Thoughts on Sorry, Power, and Who Gets to Speak

Something keeps happening in my workshops, and I can’t unsee it.

A team member raises their hand. They lean forward. And before they even share their thought, they say:

“Sorry, this might be a silly question, but…“

“Sorry, can I just add something?“

“Sorry, I don’t want to take up too much time.”

Sorry for thinking. Sorry for speaking. Sorry for being in the room.

And then, a few minutes later, the most senior person in that same room speaks. No preamble. No apology. No hesitation. They just talk.

Nobody blinks. Nobody notices the contrast. But I do. Every single time.

When I first moved to Australia, the word “sorry” confused me. People said sorry for standing near me in a supermarket aisle. Sorry for asking a question at a coffee shop. Sorry for existing in shared space.

In France, you don’t apologise for occupying the space. You just occupy it. Neither approach is perfect, but the contrast made me hyper-aware of something most people take for granted: “sorry” here isn’t really an apology. It’s a signal. It says, “I know I’m taking up space and I want you to know I feel slightly guilty about it.”

And in workplaces, that signal becomes something far more significant.

Here’s what I’ve observed across hundreds of facilitation sessions with teams: the people who apologise most are rarely the ones who should. They’re the ones with valuable perspectives, honest questions, and the kind of unpolished thinking that actually moves a team forward. The whole point of a workshop is to share half-formed thoughts, challenge assumptions, and build ideas together. That’s the job. And yet people are saying sorry for doing it.

Meanwhile, the leaders who never apologise often could benefit from doing it more. Not for speaking, but for interrupting. For dismissing. For overriding a decision the team spent an hour building. For checking their phone while someone shares a vulnerable idea.

This creates a quiet but corrosive power dynamic.

When “sorry” flows in only one direction, it tells the room who has permission to think out loud and who doesn’t. It tells people that rank determines whose voice carries weight, not the quality of the idea. And over time, it trains teams to self-censor before they even open their mouths.

That’s not collaboration. That’s compliance dressed up as conversation.

Amy Edmondson’s research at Harvard gives us a useful lens for this. Her psychological safety framework maps two forces against each other: how safe people feel to speak up, and how high the performance standards are. This creates four zones.

When safety is low but expectations are high, teams land in the Anxiety Zone. People want to contribute. They know the stakes. But they don’t feel safe enough to do it without cushioning every thought with an apology. That’s exactly what I’m seeing in those workshops. The “sorry” isn’t politeness. It’s a stress response.

When safety is low and standards are low, you get the Apathy Zone. Nobody speaks and nobody cares. When safety is high but accountability is missing, you get the Comfort Zone. People feel great but nothing gets done.

The place every team wants to be is the Learning Zone: high standards and high safety. That’s where people challenge each other without apologising for it. Where a junior analyst can question a director’s assumption and the director thanks them for it. Where unfinished ideas are welcomed because the room understands that thinking out loud is how teams get smarter together.

If your team members are apologising before every contribution, look at where your team sits on that grid. Chances are, you’re not in the Learning Zone.

So here is what I now do in every workshop I facilitate.

When someone says “sorry” before sharing a thought, I pause. I look at them and I say: “You don’t need to apologise for thinking. That’s why we’re here.“

It’s a small moment. But the shift in the room is immediate. Shoulders drop. Eye contact returns. And suddenly, the quality of contribution changes. People move from the Anxiety Zone toward the Learning Zone in real time, not through a policy change or a training programme, but through one small act of permission.

But awareness alone isn’t enough. Here’s what you can do about it, starting this week.

If you’re the one saying “sorry” before every thought:

1. Replace “sorry” with “I’d like to add something.” It sounds small, but the shift from apology to statement rewires how the room receives you. You’re not asking for permission. You’re contributing.
2. Remind yourself that unfinished thinking is the point. Workshops, meetings, and brainstorms exist for rough ideas. If you wait until your thought is perfectly formed, you’ve already missed the moment where it could have sparked something better.
3. Notice the pattern without judging yourself. The goal isn’t to never say sorry again. It’s to catch the moments where you’re apologising for something that doesn’t require an apology, and choosing differently next time.

If you’re the leader who sets the tone in the room:

1. Go first with imperfection. Share a half-formed idea, ask a question you don’t know the answer to, or openly change your mind. When the most senior person in the room models unpolished thinking, everyone else exhales.
2. Name the behaviour when you see it. When someone says “sorry” before contributing, gently call it out: “No need to apologise. I want to hear this.” Do it once and the room shifts. Do it consistently and the culture shifts.
3. Apologise when it actually matters. Say sorry for interrupting. For overriding a decision without explanation. For being distracted when someone was being vulnerable. When leaders reserve “sorry” for the moments it counts, it gives the word its weight back for everyone.

The real question isn’t why so many people apologise for speaking.

It’s why so few leaders apologise for not listening.

To your success,

Lison

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